10:58 p.m. - 2008-06-24
fukt
Ok, so all of this crap below us is what has been going on here lately. I think that I am acting in the best interest of my children. I suspect that I am acting out of self-preservation. I am afraid that all of it will be looked upon as acting as a selfish bitch. All I know is that I do not love my husband and that pretending to love him is doing more harm than good. I thought that I would do anything to protect my family. I have found that my soul cannot be false, for whatever reason.
No matter how hard either of us tries, I am not in love with that man, and I cannot fake it. It is so obvious to me that this relationship is impossible, but my entire family is riding on it. Is everyone I love really counting on me being able to fake love so that we can continue?
What strikes me is that I am left with the feeling I had when I first was with him. I was at such an earthquake of my psyche. Everything I believed in collapsed. I did not trust myself anymore. When [hubby] responded well, I thought that his rare and unique offer at marital love might be just what I needed since nothing I had pursued was effectual. (which simply means that things had not worked out with the people I really loved)
Ugh, that is where I was when I made that decision.
I am now too drunk and pissed off to write cohesively ... or, really, I am consumed by passionate hatred for the trap I sank myself into.
Suffice it to say that I was an idiot who let pre-conceived notions dominate her judgement, and now I am trapped in a hateful relationship while I long for independence and lust for someone I truly love.
At what point do our duties fall second to our true nature?
My children will always come first, but I think I owe them an example of a passionate life spent following one's truth rather than an obedient life spent following the expectations others impose upon oneself.
Meanwhile, I actually do love someone, passionately, whole-heartedly, almost reciprocatedly, which is now a word simply because I was able to spell it.
(*big sigh*) I don't care whether or not anything can ever come of it (we are both married, neither happily, but both rightly.) I enjoy this person's friendship so much that I am happy with just that. In reality. In my mind, I can think only of him and me and sex and passions enacted that otherwise remain buried. He would bring me back to life. (As willing as my husband is to rebuild our sex life, it would still be with him, and I hate him. I can't stand the thought of interacting with him at all.) I crave the touch of my true friend. I respect his need to honor a marriage and family he has already built. It is only my dirty little mind that can think only of his thumbs brushing my nipples as I ride him...
Still, my lust (as impossible as it is to think outside of) must come second to my children. Until I am able to cleanly provide a safe and efficient background for them, I have to keep their best interests at heart. Thus, I ended up telling my ($+#P!) @$$#0(E spouse this:
Dear [husband}
You want me to tell you that it is not too late and that everything will become exactly as you want it. You want reassurance. I can give that reassurance to you, but not the way you are expecting it.
You have so many expectations, and I cannot meet them.
You say that I am not the same woman you married. That is certainly true. I was an insecure girl in love who dyed her hair, hid from reality, stayed stoned out of her mind all the time, and thought she would do anything for the man she loved and the approval of his family. It soon became clear to me none of that would never happen and could not be counted on as a plan for the future.
Eventually, I learned to be comfortable with who I am and the woman I had grown into, a wife, mother, and person. I found my integrity and learned how to protect it. I cannot and will not apologize for that. No, I am not who you married, and while I did behave that way at the time, it is not me nor was it who I ever was. I never meant to put forth pretenses. I had good intentions, thoughts of being in love with you and being what you wanted. The fact is that each person has to find the truth within themselves and honor it. It is part of growing up. I was not born so that Karsten would have something to have sex with. I am a person in my own right with a life of my own, before you, during you, and (depending on life span) after you. I am proud to be your wife, and I am also proud to be myself. I am a good person, whether or not I will ever be what you want me to be.
In fact, it is good that neither of us are the persons we were when we married. We were 23 year old kids, and we have grown up since then. We could not be good spouses, mothers, and fathers the way we were then. We have learned a lot over the years, and we should be proud of the accomplished people we have grown into together. We have contributed to the best qualities in each other. We have also developed the worst qualities in each other, but there is no point in dwelling on that.
As for sex, (and I have not wanted to cover this topic because I know you will not like what I have to say. I apologize for deliberately avoiding it.) your constant need for reassurance makes you behave like a clingy, moping child. That does not turn me on - it just makes me feel inadequate, guilty and resentful. I am sorry that I have not been trying very hard to improve your sex life. I have been too focused on trying to stay married and hold our family together. It still seems to me that sex (much less good sex) is still several steps beyond the basics that I am trying to achieve.
I have not caught up with where you think you are yet. Honestly, I still have my doubts that you are where you think you are. I think we both harbor so much resentment and anger at each other, disappointment in one another, and disagreement that an examination of our true feelings would be ruinous. Your venom towards me and disapproval of me speaks volumes. Your distrust and insecurity is damaging. I don't respond well to any of it. I become defensive and resentful, disenchanted and jaded. You act like an asshole, and I act like a bitch, and we tell each other so every time our limits are stretched the least. I am afraid this will remain true until we honestly examine our feelings and motives.
Neither of us are without blame, and fault is shared by us both. Let's not waste time pointing fingers or shrugging off our part in this marriage or its failures. Save valuable time and get over that. I am simply trying to share my thoughts, and I will sadly own up to my part in all of it. But, I won't let that guilt cripple me or ruin my chances at happiness.
Yes, it is too late for whatever we were when we started. That has been dead and gone for a long time. But, it does not mean that we have no chance, no hope for survival. We can rebuild ourselves, and we can do it right this time. Now we know who we are, and we know who each other are. We know what we truly value and our roles in protecting what we truly value. We know how to work with our heart and soul, and we can channel our efforts into building a strong marriage, the foundation of our family, the heart of our home. Home Improvements go so far beyond building materials and lumber supplies. We build our home together, body and soul.
If that honest partnership is not what you want, then we will have to build our lives, our homes, separately. I will not pretend to be an apparition of your desire. I would be very happy to allow the passionate aspect of my nature to thrive once again, but it will not until I am truly in love - as myself, loved for myself, and in love with my partner. As your wife, I feel that I am legally bound to not "withholding" sex. (Our government and society still have archaic laws and views about a woman's ownership of her own person.) I wish that you would respect the fact that I do not voluntarily put forth sexual efforts without my heart being in it. I cannot have casual sex anymore. I learned that during the worst parts of our marriage.
I have not had sex with anyone since the last person 8 months before you, that fateful New Years Day. Will this August be 12 years of marriage? That would make over 13 years of monogamy. My libido is not dead at all, but my body cannot indulge pretense. If it is not real, I do not want it. I can't be fake anymore. I have tried so hard to limit myself, to compromise, to work within my structure. While my top priority is still holding my family together, I absolutely cannot behave in a manner that is not genuine anymore.
It is not what you want to hear, but we have to look at ourselves honestly. We have to face up to who we are and what we want. If we cannot supply what we want to each other honestly, then we need to consider a broader view that allows for separate lives that are still equal to our children. If we can look at ourselves honestly, then perhaps we can build our lives together. Either way, the role we play in our children's lives is the top priority. I would love to be able to show them a loving, happy marriage, an example to follow in their own ideals. If that is not possible, then I would hope that we can teach them how to know oneself, to protect oneself, to stand up for oneself, and to do what is necessary to discover the actualization of a happy life for oneself.
I want our children to be happy. They may find that happiness sharing a life with someone else, but they need to know how to be happy in and of themselves. They can never find that happiness externally. Beyond that, I want us to be happy. Maybe we can pull it together enough to build that happiness together. If not, then I at least love you enough to wish that you find your own happiness. I do want you to have a happy life, Karsten. If it is with me, I will work towards that with you. If not, then I hope we can keep everyone's best interests at heart as we move forward. We share a lot, and at times you have been my best friend. I truly wish the best for you. And, the time has come for me to demand the best for myself. I hope we will find that the best lies within us.
Love, the real me
(from hubby) Thank you for last night, I love kissing your thighs and kissing and licking right between them, I love the feel of your breasts in my hands, your nipples in my mouth, I can't get enough of it all.
I feel it wasn't good for you at all and I want to change that. I want to bring you to orgasm, but I'm a bit out of practice. I know I can go longer if thats what you need, even though I went longer than I thought I would. If there is something I'm doing wrong or there is something wrong with me please tell me tonight, I'd like to talk about it and fix it. I you have interest in or have been with someone else, please tell me. If you've lost interest in me completely or there is something else going on you can talk to me, maybe we can work it out.
When we first got together there was nothing we wouldn't do for eachother, whether it was oral sex, finger and hand play, or other forms of foreplay. It was all aboout pleasing one another. Now we don't do any of those things and our sex life has dwindled. There are all kinds of things we can try, DVD's, toys, flavored coverings, games, sex shops. I'm willing to try anything to get us back to where we used to be, no inhibitions between us, no rules just pleasure. I work ful time and lots of overtime but I'll always have time for you. We both have to try. Please tell me it's not too late.
I love you very much
Your husband
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